By Karen Matz, LMSW
When couples disagree, argue, fight or just don’t see eye to eye, it can be rather uncomfortable for the pair. This can be the case whether they are talking about household chores, finances, child rearing or even weight loss. The topic of the conversation doesn’t matter as much as how the couple chooses to END the conversation.
There are lots of times that Russ and I find ourselves in rather “challenging” conversations. I choose the word challenging over fighting because we don’t typically argue. Besides, we really do look at these opportunities as challenges. This isn’t to say we don’t disagree from time to time but we always work to end the discussion well. One way we do that is by asking each other if we are complete on the topic, meaning; did we get to say and express everything we wanted to. I find that it is during these most challenging moments that our relationship grows most, as a couple and as individuals.
On January 1, 2013 I found myself in one of these types of conversations with Russ. We were at our favorite restaurant in Manhattan having lunch before Russ was to give a lecture. I cannot recall specifically how the topic came up but the main subject of the conversation was that Russ was not feeling as if I was passionate about our new ventures for the Betterness Institute® namely, Lose Weight for Good® and I Love You to Health.
I knew how tense the conversation must have looked by the body language of our waitress. She cautiously approached our table to ask if there was anything else we wanted. When we replied with a polite "no thank you, just the check" she very quickly scurried away. She came back several minutes later with the check, from the furthest position possible, she dropped the check on the table and turned away. While at first, I thought it might have been me, I realized that it was our conversation that was making her uncomfortable. As a social worker, I get a chance to see how a lot of people react to uncomfortable conversations.
The topic was tense, thought provoking, emotional and yet passionate. Russ was challenging my commitment to him and to the business. I had to reach deep within myself to see really what my feelings were specifically about Lose Weight for Good. I had to step out the comfort of what I knew to be familiar, reexamine what I really felt passion about and even redefine my passions. I didn’t say change what I am passionate about but redefine it.
We concluded this uncomfortable topic with aligning what we both wanted to see as the goals for future. Even though it looks like I have a different passion than Russ, we are united by a common mission. Russ helped me to see that in order to achieve our mission we need to achieve other goals first. I got it, I finally got it! But if we hadn’t had this challenging conversation, he would still be feeling like I wasn’t supporting him and I would have still being thinking “I am not passionate about this.”
So how can all this apply to helping couples become healthier together? I often think about the many conversations I tried to have with my ex-husband about his weight and how it was dramatically affecting his health and ultimately our relationship. As a matter of fact, it is how I got reacquainted with Russ. I was reaching out to Russ to ask what advice he could give me to help my husband. I was usually afraid to have those difficult conversations with my ex. I didn’t want to be uncomfortable, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable but yet I was sitting back watching him kill himself and kill our marriage. One of the big differences in my relationship with Russ is that he approaches conversations differently from my ex so I am able to have these challenging conversations and feel safe. If you want to have that type of conversation with someone you love how should you go about it? Some basic rules in any conversation would be to:
- Identify the problem
- Focus on the problem and the end results (what goal do you want to achieve)
- Attack the problem not the person
- LISTEN with an open mind and open heart!
- Treat the person’s feelings with respect
- Talk in “I” statements. Using “you” statements puts up walls and can make the other person defensive.
In my work as a social worker, when I have had a spouse talk with me about their concerns for their partner, what I often hear is how frustrated they are because they are more passionate about their partner’s health than the partner themselves.
In giving this some thought, I realized that my conversation this past week with Russ was no different. I am by no means saying that we can or will get your partner to become passionate about something they do not feel, but I am suggesting that maybe you can find a common goal that give them the passion for a desired out come. Let’s say for example, you are both 50-something, and are looking forward to retirement and traveling. How would retirement look if you both were healthy to travel to any destination? And how would it look if you were to keep up the same un-healthy lifestyle?
Even though your partner may want to believe he/she is “fine” they way they are today, maybe they can start to see how maybe being a little more fit will make a difference in the life you plan to have together.
Now you have a choice, sit back and stay comfortable with the status quo (and accept that NOTHING will change) or have that possible uncomfortable conversation coming from a place of love. If you do the latter, you WILL grow as a couple. I learned a long time ago from my parents that if you don't ask, it is an automatic "no". If you don't have important conversations with your partner, you will never know how each other feels or what you are each thinking. When you stay oblivious to those important things, you never have the opportunity to make a difference in both your lives! So, have the tough conversations but, before you do, lay down the rules to the game.
