Are the ready for your help?

“If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.”

Hippocrates around 400 B.C.

So, if we have known of the miracle path to health for 2400 years or more, why are so many of us still getting sick as a direct result of the lives we choose to lead. How could we have had this answer for all this time and still we have the problem? Maybe it is because many people, secretly (or not so secretly), do not want to change. Although this is certainly true of some people, the condition does not have to be permanent. This blog post is dedicated to helping you recognize when your loved one is ready to change and help you be ready to help.

This issue of people not wanting to change has been the subject of intense study. In the early 1980s, Drs Prochaska & DiClemente at the University of Rhode Island examined the phenomenon of this apparent resistance to change as part of their work to help lower cancer rates. What they observed was that behavior change was not, as previously thought, a singular event but a process that occurred over time. In other words, they found that people did not just quit smoking all at once although it may appear as if they had. To arrive at the moment of quitting, they actually had to go through a series of thought processes or stages leading up to the moment where they no longer smoked. Like drops in a bucket, these thoughts and actions accumulated until the bucket was full. Once the bucket was filled, the very next drop made it over flow.

        To a casual observer, it looks as if the bucket began to overflow at the moment that last drop rolled over the edge of the bucket. In a very real sense though, it began to overflow from the moment the first drop hit the bottom of the empty bucket.  As scientists, Dr.’s Prochaska & DiClemente were no casual observers. Through extensive study, they identified 5 distinct stages of change. They consolidated their work into a method of understanding how human beings can change and how we professionals can help them to do it. This method, called the Transtheoretical Model of Change, is based on the concept that people will only be able to make the changes that they are truly ready to make. By understanding how each particular behavior scores on a readiness to change scale, you can begin to attack those behaviors that are ripe for change while cultivating others for later harvest.

How R*E*A*D*Y are they?

        Based on the Transtheoretical model, I have developed the R*E*A*D*Y acronym. This is a helpful way to determine how willing your loved one is to change. When my clients and I consider a behavior for change, I ask them to take an honest look at the behavior; the more honest the look, the more useful the test. In your case, this means that you need to be a conscious observer. Watch what your loved one is doing and what they say. When you understand how the behavior scores, you can determine how enthusiastically you approach them about making the change. This is important because when you focus only on behaviors that they can really change, you will not only be using your energy wisely but you will also build trust. Your loved one needs to know you are in this for them. By meeting them where they are ready, you are giving them an opportunity to really feel understood. By properly grading the behaviors, we can guarantee success and use that success always breeds more success.

Each letter of R*E*A*D*Y represents a specific stage of readiness and is described below.


R – REFUSE - This is actually not a stage of readiness at all, it’s a stage of unreadiness.  In this stage we refuse to believe we have a problem.  We absolutely fail to recognize that there is anything wrong.  It is the ultimate expression of blissful ignorance.  It is this stage where the internal excuse operating system is working overtime.  I’ll never forget the time my wife, concerned about my weight, served me a no fat, no salt soup.  I ate it and said “I would rather die than eat this stuff the rest of my life”.  The sad part was I meant it at the time; I was not ready to change. I did not even want to talk about it.  Maybe I was ready to change something but I was not ready to change that behavior. 

It is important to understand that your loved one may be at different stages of readiness for every single behavior that they need to change.  Many of the behaviors that need to be changed, may not even make their  list of bad habits!  They are in a hidden subconscious bank account of bad habits and their mind refuses to let them be seen. The best way to deal with changing behaviors is to be patient. Move on to other things you know need to be changed. They may not seem as important but, that doesn’t matter. If they are in this stage, pushing the issue is like setting of the detonator on a bomb! It is your job to look for other behaviors that might be in the E, A or D category.

E- EXPLORE:  This is where they begin to think about the behaviors they want to change.  It’s where they start to recognize that there’s a problem.  It is here that they begin to at least consider that behaviors are not doing them any good. In this stage they are just waking up to the fact that these behaviors are worth changing.  It is through this exploration that they can begin to make change possible. This exploration, however, takes place entirely in the mind. It is a time of contemplation.

The best thing for you to do at this stage is to have conversations about the change. Talk openly about what good it will bring. Talk about how you can help remove some barriers to make the change happen. Talk about how you support them. Don’t push them to action in this phase. It’s too early. Things don’t physically “happen” in this stage. To make things happen they need to acquire all the knowledge and tools necessary to begin work.

A- AQUIRE    During this stage they begin to acquire what they need to make their changes work.  The acquisitions that they make include knowledge, equipment, motivation and mind set. If they are reading a one of my “Lose Weight for Good!” blog posts or are listening to my audio program, they are acquiring knowledge.  They have passed through the exploration stage. They considered their problem and have decided to set the wheels of change in motion. Their acquisition of knowledge is going to form the basis of their future actions. In addition to acquiring knowledge, they may also buy a piece of exercise equipment, join a health club or take a cooking course. This is where they begin to get things started.  Sometimes it is just acquiring the basics of a habit. When I wanted to start walking every night, I started by just walking out onto my front porch. I opened the door and stood there like an idiot. After a while, I felt so stupid that I just started walking. On the days I did not want to walk, I still opened the door and stood there. It took almost no effort to open the door and it was hard to find an excuse not to do it. I wonder if my neighbors still think I’m crazy? I was working to acquire the habit of walking. Even on the nights I did not walk, I worked on building the habit. At this stage, building the habit ensures future action. Their commitment to this stage will determine their ability to follow through.  You can help by encouraging them. You can also simply acknowledge that you see what they are doing as a VERY positive step in the right direction. In this stage, you can gently nudge them to do the very thing they are exploring. Maybe you do it with them. Maybe you actually remove barriers that allow them to get started. When a father agrees to take the kids to the park so mom can go to the gym, it is a bit. Which leads us to the next stage . . . Doing!
D-Doing: Like in the scene from “Forrest Gump” where he just gets up and runs.  This is the point where we just start doing it.  This is the point of action; it is where the work gets done.  This is where behaviors begin to change. It is where “the rubber meets the road.”   Experts say it takes about 30 days to change a behavior.  If your loved one can stay in action phase for at least 30 days then they will probably successfully change that behavior.  Of course I always thought good behaviors took a little longer and it seems bad behaviors can develop in an instant. Once they are doing the behavior regularly it seems automatic, it becomes part of their new operating system. It becomes part of their definition of themselves. Their “YOU”, so to speak. Welcome to the YOU phase.

Y – YOU –This is the phase where they can’t imagine a world without this new behavior. It is so much a part of them, they can barley even remember life before this change. The behavior becomes almost effortless. It is automatic because it has become organic to their mind. It is now part of their operating system. When this behavior is part of them it is hard to deny and hard to defy.  If it is part of their definition of themselves, it is an easy behavior for you to maintain.  It belongs to them;  it is them. It is the last stage of the behavior change process-- sort of.

Watch out for the back slide.

        Change is part of being human. Human beings are constantly changing and evolving. It is this quality that assures we humans have the power to change our behavior. Although some behaviors are easier to change than others, all behaviors can change. The bad news is that any behavior that that can be changed can also change back. Even after they achieve the “you” phase for a given behavior, it is possible for them to slide back to an earlier stage on the ready scale. You could, for instance, notice that what seemed like a 1 week break in their regular exercise routine has lasted over a month. For a year they exercised faithfully and now they just don’t. At this point they are no longer in the YOU phase of this behavior. The really bad news is that they don’t even qualify for the Do-it phase anymore. The best thing to do here is to be open and have a conversation. Begin with an acknowledgement that you are really proud of them for the changes they have made. Then note that you were really impressed that they were exercising. Then observe that they haven’t been doing it much lately. No judgment, just observation. Then progress the conversation to why this is no longer part of their life. Maybe you will even see a way you can help. Be careful not to “solve” the problem for them. Do more asking of questions then telling. Try to help them discover their own solutions. 

8 Ways to Help Your Spouse Lose Weight

From (http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=439)
Get your spouse into shape without upsetting them with these eight tips.
BY ROVENIA M. BROCK, PHD

BigStockPhoto  Be a lifesaver for your partner and follow these eight tips.

Do you live with an overweight partner? Nearly two-thirds of Americans do, and it can be challenging on several levels. You want to try and change him or her—especially because excess weight puts your loved one at risk for heart disease, diabetes and stroke. But I've found from personal experience that nagging and criticizing doesn’t work. It's more effective to let your partner know that you love and support him or her, and that you hope for a long, healthy, adventure-filled life together. Here are eight secrets to help an overweight partner adopt a healthier lifestyle.

1. Change what's in your kitchen. Get rid of temptations. Fill up the fridge with ready-to-eat fresh fruit—apples, strawberries, red grapes, pineapple chunks and clementines are good choices. Popcorn is great for mindless TV munching. Low-cal frozen dinners are a must for emergencies.

2. Take walks together. No need to join a gym or buy a set of weights. Invite your partner for a sunset walk around the neighborhood. It's great for the heart—and your relationship.

3. Convert favorite dishes into healthier versions. Make sure you still have favorite meals—only healthier versions of them. If you're not the chief cook and bottle washer in the house, tell your spouse you want to help. Steam, bake or broil instead of fry. Use nonfat chicken broth to cook with instead of butter. For every unhealthy ingredient, substitute a healthier one.

4. Eat out less. When changing eating habits, it's easier to control portions and ingredients when you prepare the food yourself. Cook at home, and encourage your partner to take healthy food from home to have for lunch and snacks during work.

5. Give him or her positive affirmation. Once a day, make your spouse feel valued. A small gesture such as a spontaneous kiss or a squeeze of the hand acts as an enormous psychological boost, and sends your partner the message they are loved.

6. Get blood work done. If you two haven't done it in the past year, get complete blood work done—including diabetes and cholesterol tests. If there's a medical issue, pledge to work on it together. Health threats make good motivators.

7. Compliment your spouse on his/her progress. Let your loved one know that you notice and admire the hard work he or she is doing to change. Don't overdo it, but do remind your partner that you're still there rooting for his or her success.

8. Be a role model. If your loved one is overweight but you're not, you'll inspire him or her by looking great, feeling sexy, being energetic and following the same eating and exercise habits you'd like your partner to adopt. Seeing your healthy behaviors and their positive results will make them want to do those behaviors too.

Dr. Ro ( www.everythingRo.com) is Nutrition Advisor for The Today Show and Nutrition Contributor to NPR. Named by More magazine one of this country's top five nutritionists, Dr. Ro is America's best-known African American health expert, and the author of the best-selling "Dr. Ro's Ten Secrets to Livin' Healthy" (Bantam, 2007). 

Live. Laugh. Love.

My daughter wrote this for a school project about 2 years ago. It shows the impact that a parent's lifestyle change can have on your kids. 

Live. Laugh. Love.

"On a cold, snowy day in January, my dad got sick. An infection spread through his abdomen and caused him to be in the hospital for a week in the ICU. He was on the edge of dying and brought tears to our eyes every time we saw him with tubes in parts of his body, keeping him alive. Luckily, he didn’t die, but that moment of our lives brought our family closer.

Earlier in my life, my family and I didn’t pay much attention to our eating habits , or exercising habits. Having a dad who was over four hundred pounds lead to a very sedentary lifestyle. In 2002, my dad realized how serious his weight problem was and began his weight loss journey, as he likes to call it.

He did an amazing job and lot over two hundred pounds. After his weight loss, all of our lives changed for the better. We began eating healthier, being more active, and just having a happier, healthier life together. We rarely eat out and almost always cook homemade meals every night, which we eat as a family. I love my life and hope to continue this style until I die."

What would your kids write about you?
What would your kids write about you? 

How do you start a conversation with someone about their weight?

How do you start a conversation with someone you love about their weight? Just deciding whether or not to open your mouth can be agonizing. When you finally do say something, it always seems to come out wrong, or at the wrong time. Even when you think you scored a perfect 10 at broaching the topic, your loved one ends up getting defensive, elusive, angry . . . or worse.  

Perhaps the first mistake is in thinking that they need to be told they have a weight problem in the first place. If they have ever glanced in a mirror or went clothes shopping, trust me; they know. Let’s face it, obesity itself is inescapable and those who suffer from it are acutely aware of the burden of the pounds they carry.

Don’t get me wrong; when I was over 400 pounds, I tried to remain as unaware as I could. I did a lot of work to hide my weight from myself. I would wear big clothes, avoid mirrors and I maintained a strict 500 foot safety radius from the scale. At the end of the day though, I always knew I was obese and nothing would shut down a conversation with me faster than being reminded of it. When I coach clients, I don’t worry about acquainting them with their excess weight. Instead, I help them to see how their weight is impacting their life.

I may have been unable to avoid seeing the 4Xs printed on label in my clothes, but that did not mean I had to believe that my need to wear those shirts was doing me harm. I simply didn’t accept that my size was anything more than a matter of the amount of space I occupied on the planet. I did quite well simply ignoring the impact the problem was having on me, my health and the ones I loved. I knew I was big but I never really accepted it as being a big problem.

Here are some tools that will help you to help the ones you love.

1. Be a patient guide. To help them accept the reality of their problem, you need to be willing to let go of what you think and guide them to their own realizations. This requires patience.  This “conversation” may take days or weeks months or YEARS to mature. You can’t force this stuff on them. If you try to shock them into it, the only thing you are going to accomplish is an abrupt end to a potentially healing conversation.

Once they accept that their weight is something they need to change, they will be ready to get down to business and begin to make changes. During this time, they will be in self-discovery mode and you will find them more open to discussion. The best role for you here is to help them along in this discovery process. Simply pointing out all the positive changes you have seen in them (no matter how small) can really get a conversation going. 

2. Lead by example: When you are close to someone, the impact you have on their life extends well beyond the words you speak. The lifestyle YOU lead creates an atmosphere all around you. That atmosphere permeates the lives of those you love and, just like the air they breathe, it can be clean and fresh or full of toxic second hand smoke.

3. Practice empathy. Although leading by example can unleash the awesome power of change in others, the thought of changing yourself can be pretty overwhelming. Guess what? Now you know how they feel. Empathy is the capacity to share and understand another's emotion and feelings. It joins patience as an essential ingredient of this process.

4. Don’t be perfect. If I have left you with the impression that you need to be perfect to be effective, think again. It is actually MORE effective for your loved ones to see you as imperfect and navigating the process of change with them, one small step at a time.

5. Listen BEFORE you TALK. True, lasting change must come from within. If you are working on your life change, they will want to learn from you. As you improve, they will be interested. Listen for signs that they are willing to do what it takes to be better and then start the conversation. As you develop the discussion, listen for signs that they are ready. By listening, you will find plenty of opportunities to educate motivate and guide them.

When they finally do start talking, listen as if your opinions didn’t matter. The key is to allow the conversation to begin on their terms and grow into significance.

Listening is truly a lost art. If you are thinking about the next thing you want to say while they are still talking, you’re not listening.

6. Ask permission. Once you get them talking and you see an opportunity to share what you know. Don’t be a bad used car salesman. High pressure selling them on your point of view will just blow out their spark of change. If they are not ready to hear it, no matter how true it is, it’s all bull to them. If you push a point of view that they see as radical, they will shut you off and you’re sunk.

Sometimes, all you need is a moment to consider whether or not they are ready to hear what you will say. This is a great time to simply ask them if it is a good time for you to offer advice. A simple request for their permission allows both of you to mentally prepare for what you need to say. If they say no, it just means it is not a good time for them or they are not ready. Go back to listening and quietly wait for another opportunity to speak.

7. Accept every effort as a positive one. If you see them starting to make positive steps, get behind them. Celebrate every triumph no matter how small you think it is. Show them that you recognize their efforts. Ask questions and listen as they tell you about what they are doing. Every step they take represents a significant brushstroke on their new lifestyle masterpiece. Who cares if it is not exactly what you think they should do. Can you look at a work of art and pick out which brush strokes the artist could have left out? Let the artist work, all they need is a supportive patron. Be their patron. 

8. Don’t sabotage! Don’t celebrate with ice cream – Don’t ask them three, four, five times if they want seconds at dinner and don’t buy cookies “for” them. No one has ever called me as they were standing, naked, in front of a mirror to thank me for the high calorie dessert they got at my house. Don’t set them up to fail. Arrange the world you occupy together to support their (and your) new life.

This is a powerful process and, if you stick with it, you can look forward to getting “better” with the ones you love for a long, long time.