Health or Friends? (Pick one)

by Bethany Butler

Do you ever feel that as you begin, or maintain healthier habits you simultaneously become the alien of the group? “Oh, she doesn’t eat, and if  she does, it’s just some twigs and grass.”

Nothing could be further from the truth!

But why spend precious time, and energy, trying to convince others of your dietary choices, right?! If it’s working for you, it’s working for you!! (Please note the double exclamation marks; there’s no “….” here).

But deep down inside, you may feel the “….”, translated as “Yeah, I love eating this way because I feel grrrrreat! BUT, I also feel lonely. Friends don’t ask me to dine out as often, and my ENTIRE family is looking at my plate with their looks of worry and concern because I haven’t dug into Aunt So-and-so’s heavily salted, fried and greased “traditional” dish. Furthermore, my mate is looking at his watch, across the table, as I negotiate with the waiter on making some menu adjustments for a healthier meal option.

I’ve experienced ALL OF THE ABOVE, and the decision I’ve come to, regarding my having to pick one or the other (health or friends/mate) is NOT choosing sides. “I’ll have the health and the friends please, no sides thank you.”

Yes, the moment I leave my house, I am very clear that the food selections may not be as “healthy” as items stocked in my own fridge, freezer, and pantry.  Although it’s not everyday that I’m eating out, and I am taking care of my health needs on a regular basis, with “twigs and grass” (yeah…yeah….whatever!), it also doesn’t allow me to blow my health out the window in dining out.

So, I have some chips (or not) at the party, but I also make the choice to not sit at the chip table. Or, should I have a date night with the ladies, or that man of mine, “Yes, I’ll be happy to join you for a night out and guess what??! I’ll ACTUALLY eat….Whoooooa!!!” In this case, I’ll review the menu online, ahead of time, to see “what can I eat here?” I assure you, you can always find something! Whispering in the waiter’s ear all my dietary restrictions and practically asking him for his counsel as to which dish I can eat takes precious time away from my friends and/or that man of mine who would also like to eat sometime….anytime….”TODAAAAAAY!” For the times I know that Aunt So-and-so is bringing her dish, my deciding to not indulge in her passed-down-from-generation-to-generation recipe bears no reflection on the love I have for my immediate family, my ancestors, and specifically, Aunt So-and-so.  I.just.choose.to.not.have.it.period.

Ultimately, we have choices, and I choose to maintain my health AND live outside my home. Thus in my stepping out into the world, I can still make a better choice that does not compromise my health entirely. After all, optimal health refers to a complete state of health, and that does include a social life with friends, family, and most certainly, ‘that man’ of mine 

Bethany Butler is a graduate of The Natural Gourmet Institute for Health and Culinary Arts in New York City. Her aim is to help change the Standard American Diet into one that is largely whole foods plant-based. As a certified health and nutrition coach, she promotes nutrient dense foods as fuel for us to lead our best lives.” I strongly believe that food carries energetic vibrations, and it is essential that we make the better choice in our consumption in maintaining overall health and wellness.” She has conducted healthy eating culinary classes for private chefs, cooked for CEOs and clients reversing chronic illnesses. Her primary aim in working with all clients is to cook for health!

Bethany served as the Lead Educator to two of the five Wellness Clubs founded by nutrition experts Jeff Novick MS RD, Dr. Matthew Lederman and Dr. Alona Pulde (the two doctors featured in the “Forks Over Knives” documentary). She has presented nutritional lectures before American Express, New York Stock Exchange, Moody’s Corporation, Hot 97, and Whole Foods Markets Mid-Atlantic Leadership Conference, to name a few. With her team, she has helped members to lose weight effortlessly, reverse diabetes, come off certain medications, lower their cholesterol, and ultimately reclaim their health.  She has appeared as a nutrition expert on "Emeril's Table" and works one-on-one with clients in helping them reach both their diet and lifestyle goals.  Most recently she joined the "I Love You to Health" team (www.iloveyoutohealth.com), helping couples, families and communities live healthier, happier, longer lives...together! Up next is her nutrition internship with the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine in Washington, D.C. beginning June 2013.

As an actress, Bethany has appeared in commercials, soaps, prime-time drama and Broadway. A graduate of New York University, Tisch School of the Arts and coached by some of New York City's finest acting teachers of the Method technique, she has been encouraged by her teachers to take up coaching herself. Her acting experience has allowed her many opportunities of public speaking and working with award-winning celebrities as Mariska Hargitay, James Earl Jones, Joan Cusack, Phylicia Rashad, and many others.

Bethany is committed to her regular yoga practice. Yoga continues to serve as her lifetime workout but also as a means of personal growth—spiritually, mentally, emotionally. When she is not actively pursuing her nutrition studies, you can find her in a yoga class!

We can agree to disagree

by Bethany Butler

“Bullsheet. I wanna win” says the kid in me.

That’s not right. No no. Oh no. That is not ‘proper’ dialogue for a soon-to-be Mrs. I am to think, speak, and most certainly, act in all fairness, when it comes to matters of the heart. “Heart” defined here as my soon-to-be husband.

Hold on. I need a moment: “Hu…hus…baaaand” Oh.my.gosh. Deep breaths. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale, repeatedly, for the rest of your life, in sickness and health, for better or worse, richer or poo–

Okay, got it.

So, I’m getting married….soon (gulp). Shouldn’t I, an engaged person, be getting it by now? “It” as in knowing the language of love extends beyond me.  Though “me” may be part of the equation, “love thyself”, it’s not the end-all;  safe to say, “thy neighbor” wants some love too, yes?  Aha, so the “M” is interchangeable, and may be easily flipped to serve as a “W”.  Love feels as this energy you want to bathe yourself in, and suggest those nearest and dearest to you that they, too, soak and ‘be taken away’ with this bubbly feeling because “you’ll feel so much better once you do”.

Still, the kid in me wants my own bath. “Why do I have to share? There’s no room! It’s not faaaaaaaaair!!!!” The feelings surrounding “yes, I won” indicate success and victory. I wanna win, all the time. But is it “winning” when the person I love with all my heart “loses”? I don’t think so. I certainly don’t feel so.

How may WE both win? Is love really a battlefield? There is push and pull. Both sides have their vision (victory), and I can imagine are well-equipped with strategies  to see this vision realized.  Time is of the essence and should be put to wise use. Otherwise, we’ll soon exhaust ourselves in this game of Tug of War. Plus, “I just want to move on already! I’m tired.”

Nonetheless, there is one rope we are holding onto. This force between us–literally, the rope–keeps us connected, and interestingly enough, we are holding onto it with everything we’ve got. He’s pulling this way, while I’m pulling that way, and keep in mind: I wanna win (as I’m sure he does too).  But we’re playing the game together.  He’s not letting go; I’m not letting go, and there lies the agreement amongst our push and pulls. Ultimately, we’ll get tired and call for a “time out!” to regroup, review our past approach to pinpoint what’s not working, and thus rethink our strategies.

So again, how may WE both win? I haven’t a clue, really. But we allow one another to see victory (no need to encourage defeat), explore his/her approach (allowing due time for clarity of views), and act accordingly (push/pull). Perhaps, we win as a couple, free to share our individual ideas and views. Perhaps we win because we’re holding onto this force–metaphorically, love–with all we’ve got. Perhaps the fact that we continue to play is the victory, his and mine, itself.

Nonetheless, I wanna win next round 


Bethany Butler is a graduate of The Natural Gourmet Institute for Health and Culinary Arts in New York City. Her aim is to help change the Standard American Diet into one that is largely whole foods plant-based. As a certified health and nutrition coach, she promotes nutrient dense foods as fuel for us to lead our best lives.” I strongly believe that food carries energetic vibrations, and it is essential that we make the better choice in our consumption in maintaining overall health and wellness.” She has conducted healthy eating culinary classes for private chefs, cooked for CEOs and clients reversing chronic illnesses. Her primary aim in working with all clients is to cook for health!

Bethany served as the Lead Educator to two of the five Wellness Clubs founded by nutrition experts Jeff Novick MS RD, Dr. Matthew Lederman and Dr. Alona Pulde (the two doctors featured in the “Forks Over Knives” documentary). She has presented nutritional lectures before American Express, New York Stock Exchange, Moody’s Corporation, Hot 97, and Whole Foods Markets Mid-Atlantic Leadership Conference, to name a few. With her team, she has helped members to lose weight effortlessly, reverse diabetes, come off certain medications, lower their cholesterol, and ultimately reclaim their health.  She has appeared as a nutrition expert on "Emeril's Table" and works one-on-one with clients in helping them reach both their diet and lifestyle goals.  Most recently she joined the "I Love You to Health" team (www.iloveyoutohealth.com), helping couples, families and communities live healthier, happier, longer lives...together! Up next is her nutrition internship with the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine in Washington, D.C. beginning June 2013.

As an actress, Bethany has appeared in commercials, soaps, prime-time drama and Broadway. A graduate of New York University, Tisch School of the Arts and coached by some of New York City's finest acting teachers of the Method technique, she has been encouraged by her teachers to take up coaching herself. Her acting experience has allowed her many opportunities of public speaking and working with award-winning celebrities as Mariska Hargitay, James Earl Jones, Joan Cusack, Phylicia Rashad, and many others. 

Bethany is committed to her regular yoga practice. Yoga continues to serve as her lifetime workout but also as a means of personal growth—spiritually, mentally, emotionally. When she is not actively pursuing her nutrition studies, you can find her in a yoga class!

How losing weight has helped me to discover LOVE!

By Audrey Matz-Pasierb

So, the question that followed my last blog post was: "How has all of this improved my relationship with Bill or my mental health?"  I had to think long and hard about that.  You see, even at my heaviest, Bill, my husband, loved me unconditionally. What I have come to realize is that it was ME that didn’t love ME.  He never failed to tell me how beautiful I was, or remind me how intelligent I was, or show me that I mattered to him, to my kids, to my family and friends, or to my students.  He encouraged me by doing and showing me what was important to him.

As I passed the half-century mark not too long ago, reality set in as I watched my own children, who are now grown, begin to depart on paths of their own.  As they begin their careers, enter into new relationships, and live life as young adults I realized that when Bill said he "wanted to grow old” with me,  growing old was approaching faster than I had realized.  I knew that I was going to need his help in order to succeed in my lifestyle change.  I was going to need to rely on him to celebrate wins with me and to encourage me through the stumbles.  

ANYthing I want to do that is an improvement to my health is 1000% supported by Bill!  I love when he is with me on my walks, bicycle rides, trips to the gym, or 5Ks.  I love that he willingly goes to the grocery store with me and helps to plan healthy meals.   I love how he supports my healthy lifestyle…no…how he ENCOURAGES my healthy lifestyle!!  

But to answer the original question, Has our relationship changed?  I actually had to ask Bill that question.  While we both agree that we have a great relationship, he said that what he likes most now is that we are spending more time together.  And really, what relationship couldn’t stand a little more together-time??

Now, about the mental health.  Depression sucks!  It really does.  Depression is like a little voice constantly reminding you that you are worthless, even though you're not worthless.  It tries to convince you you're ugly, fat, no one cares…and the more you listen to those voices, the deeper you fall in.  Clothes don’t fit, you lack energy, you become bored because you don’t want to do anything, and because you’re bored you eat…crap.  And because you eat crap, you have less energy to do anything, then your clothes don’t fit…Ok, so it’s a vicious cycle.  

 So, I tried dieting before (Weight Watchers, SlimFast, Diet Center, etc) but they never worked for me.  That’s what I always said…DIETING never worked for me!  I always been told and expected that DIEting would do something for me.  Well, guess what?  I had it all wrong!  It’s not supposed to do something for me, I had to do something for it to work! They never told me that!!!  First of all, I don’t ever say I’m on a diet.  Why?  Those first three letters…D. I. E.  And maybe that’s why it didn’t work for me.  I wasn’t ready to die!  So what, then, if not diet?  Well, in April of 2012, I realized that I needed to do the opposite of DIEt and turn to a LIFEstyle that was suitable for living!  

I’m a Christian.  And I believe that my body ultimately belongs to God.  And I realized that I was not honoring Him by the way I was treating it.  I wanted a LIFE that was going to honor Him and that meant, first and foremost, I had to change my LIFEstyle.  One of the very first things I did was promise myself that I’d eat breakfast every day (yes, I was a devout breakfast-skipper).  I went so far as to set the alarm on my phone to go off so I would remind myself to eat breakfast.  After that came healthy snacking, again utilizing the alarm on my phone to remind me.  Then came the walks, short at first, but at least three times per week.  

Eventually, things got easier.  I was eating breakfasts, making healthy, mindful snacks, preparing nutrient rich meals, walking, bike riding, and enjoying being outdoors!  Eventually, I noticed that the sun seemed to shine brighter!  I felt a bounce in my step, I was holding my tummy in as I walked – faster and further.  I smiled more and complained less.  People started asking if there was “less of me”…(haha, yes, a few people did in that particular way).  I even got to start buying clothes in a smaller size!!!

Do I stumble?  Heck yeah.  Do I beat myself up?  More than I should.  It’s human nature, but I am always mindful of where I never want to be again.  And I love to remind myself that I have a husband, a health partner, who loves less of me while we spend more healthy-time together.

No More Excuses Means a "Health Partnership" & a Better Marriage

By Audrey Matz-Pasierb

When I was asked by Doc Russ and Karen to write a blog post about how my relationship with my husband has changed since taking control of my lifestyle, I was pretty sure that I’d only be able to write a short paragraph. But once I began to think about it, I realized that a little background was important to understand those changes.

I’ve been married to Bill for 12 years. When we married he was a martial arts instructor who owned his own school, ran marathons, biathlons, triathlons, and loved bike races. He also ate very healthy. On the other hand, I had two young children and lived life on the go as I was doing undergraduate coursework while working full time. Health, exercise, and nutrition was not in my vocabulary.

Ultimately, I graduated with both my Bachelor and Master Degrees and began a stressful job teaching in a multi-aged classroom. There was not much free time between the long hours in the school, lesson planning at home, and running the kids to school for practices, rehearsals, games or concerts. A few years into our marriage I suffered some physical and mental health issues which led to a pretty large weight gain. Fortunately, I have the most loving and supportive husband a wife could ever ask for. Throughout the months and years following my health concerns, he was right beside me to pick up the slack where it was needed. He displayed love in its purest form.

Throughout many of those “unhealthy” years, he would voice his concern to me. “Hun, I want to grow old with you. I want to travel and do fun things, but I can’t do that with you if you don’t take care of yourself.” All the while, he’d take off for an hour or so for a bike ride or go for a run. He never once allowed me hold him back from his exercise. On beautiful spring or fall days, we’d go for a ride in the car and he’d pull over and ask if I wanted to walk through the woods or on the beach. I’d say no, and give him and excuse that I was tired, wasn’t wearing the right shoes, my back hurt, had a headache….

He never gave up on me but always gently he nudged me. He’d ask, I’d decline, yet he still loved me. Until one day, I made up my mind that I was ready to get healthy. It was a decision I made completely on my own, but when I told Bill, he told me that I had his complete support. Slowly I made changes in the way I planned meals, in the way I did our food shopping, I began reading articles, joined a couple of websites to help manage calories and exercise.

Then one day he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I shocked him with “Yes” and put on my sneakers. We walked maybe 100 yards, when I told him that my back hurt and wanted to go home. He agreed. Over time, we’d walk further and began walking faster. Never once did he push me to go further or faster, but when I suggested he agreed. He always stayed with me and walked beside me, no matter how slow or fast I went. That began in May of 2012.

In the summer of 2012, I told him that I wanted to walk a 5K. He encouraged me to do it, helped me to “train” for it. Now remember, he’d done plenty of 5-or 10K’s before we were married. He did a few after we married as well…but slowly he’d gotten out of it, so he was pretty pumped that now I wanted to do this. On September 15, 2012 we did our first 5K together. I was pretty sure that he wanted to take off and run, but he walked beside me the entire way! When the finish line was in sight, we ran across…only he let me cross first!!

As we entered the fall and winter season, we did two more 5K’s and are already talking about the upcoming season. My goal is to do at least one 5K a month from May through November. Even better, is that when he asked what I wanted for Christmas this past year , I told him that I wanted new walking sneakers, a heart rate monitor, and some cold weather gear. He couldn’t believe that I actually asked for only gear for exercise!! He was more than happy to fulfill my requests!!

Bill is my biggest cheerleader! He’s my best supporter! He’s the motivator when I’m doing great or when things aren’t going as planned. He reminds me of the successes I’ve made and helps me to focus on what needs to be changed. But I’ve learned that the best part of living a healthy lifestyle is that I get to do all of these things with my partner in health!

How to approach a difficult topic with your spouse.

By Karen Matz, LMSW

When couples disagree, argue, fight or just don’t see eye to eye, it can be rather uncomfortable for the pair.  This can be the case whether they are talking about household chores, finances, child rearing or even weight loss. The topic of the conversation doesn’t matter as much as how the couple chooses to END the conversation.  

There are lots of times that Russ and I find ourselves in rather “challenging” conversations.  I choose the word challenging over fighting because we don’t typically argue. Besides, we really do look at these opportunities as challenges. This isn’t to say we don’t disagree from time to time but we always work to end the discussion well. One way we do that is by asking each other if we are complete on the topic, meaning; did we get to say and express everything we wanted to.  I find that it is during these most challenging moments that our relationship grows most, as a couple and as individuals.     

Why is that? It’s because when we step outside of our comfort zone, and move away from what is comfortable, we learn most about ourselves. If we are really honest with ourselves we can learn what we are really capable of, what we really think of ourselves and of our relationships with others. These conversations are literally like puzzles for us to solve and the payoff is that we have a deeper understanding of each other and our combined capabilities. This is, however, potentially dangerous territory and for this to work, the game has to have rules.

On January 1, 2013 I found myself in one of these types of conversations with Russ.  We were at our favorite restaurant in Manhattan having lunch before Russ was to give a lecture.  I cannot recall specifically how the topic came up but the main subject of the conversation was that Russ was not feeling as if I was passionate about our new ventures for the Betterness Institute® namely, Lose Weight for Good® and I Love You to Health.  

I knew how tense the conversation must have looked by the body language of our waitress.    She cautiously approached our table to ask if there was anything else we wanted. When we replied with a polite "no thank you, just the check" she very quickly scurried away.  She came back several minutes later with the check, from the furthest position possible, she dropped the check on the table and turned away. While at first, I thought it might have been me, I realized that it was our conversation that was making her uncomfortable. As a social worker, I get a chance to see how a lot of people react to uncomfortable conversations.

The topic was tense, thought provoking, emotional and yet passionate.  Russ was challenging my commitment to him and to the business.  I had to reach deep within myself to see really what my feelings were specifically about Lose Weight for Good.  I had to step out the comfort of what I knew to be familiar, reexamine what I really felt passion about and even redefine my passions.  I didn’t say change what I am passionate about but redefine it.  

We concluded this uncomfortable topic with aligning what we both wanted to see as the goals for future.  Even though it looks like I have a different passion than Russ, we are united by a common mission. Russ helped me to see that in order to achieve our mission we need to achieve other goals first.  I got it, I finally got it!  But if we hadn’t had this challenging conversation, he would still be feeling like I wasn’t supporting him and I would have still being thinking “I am not passionate about this.”  

So how can all this apply to helping couples become healthier together? I often think about the many conversations I tried to have with my ex-husband about his weight and how it was dramatically affecting his health and ultimately our relationship.  As a matter of fact, it is how I got reacquainted with Russ.  I was reaching out to Russ to ask what advice he could give me to help my husband.  I was usually afraid to have those difficult conversations with my ex.  I didn’t want to be uncomfortable, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable but yet I was sitting back watching him kill himself and kill our marriage.  One of the big differences in my relationship with Russ is that he approaches conversations differently from my ex so I am able to have these challenging conversations and feel safe.  If you want to have that type of conversation with someone you love how should you go about it?  Some basic rules in any conversation would be to:

1. Identify the problem
2. Focus on the problem and the end results (what goal do you want to achieve)
3. Attack the problem not the person
4. LISTEN with an open mind and open heart!
5. Treat the person’s feelings with respect
6. Talk in “I” statements.  Using “you” statements puts up walls and can make the other person defensive.

In my work as a social worker, when I have had a spouse talk with me about their concerns for their partner, what I often hear is how frustrated they are because they are more passionate about their partner’s health than the partner themselves.  

In giving this some thought, I realized that my conversation this past week with Russ was no different.  I am by no means saying that we can or will get your partner to become passionate about something they do not feel, but I am suggesting that maybe you can find a common goal that give them the passion for a desired out come.  Let’s say for example, you are both 50-something, and are looking forward to retirement and traveling.  How would retirement look if you both were healthy to travel to any destination? And how would it look if you were to keep up the same un-healthy lifestyle?  

Even though your partner may want to believe he/she is “fine” they way they are today, maybe they can start to see how maybe being a little more fit will make a difference in the life you plan to have together.   

Now you have a choice, sit back and stay comfortable with the status quo (and accept that NOTHING will change) or have that possible uncomfortable conversation coming from a place of love. If you do the latter, you WILL grow as a couple.  I learned a long time ago from my parents that if you don't ask, it is an automatic "no".  If you don't have important conversations with your partner, you will never know how each other feels or what you are each thinking. When you stay oblivious to those important things, you never have the opportunity to make a difference in both your lives! So, have the tough conversations but, before you do, lay down the rules to the game.