Are the ready for your help?

“If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.”

Hippocrates around 400 B.C.

So, if we have known of the miracle path to health for 2400 years or more, why are so many of us still getting sick as a direct result of the lives we choose to lead. How could we have had this answer for all this time and still we have the problem? Maybe it is because many people, secretly (or not so secretly), do not want to change. Although this is certainly true of some people, the condition does not have to be permanent. This blog post is dedicated to helping you recognize when your loved one is ready to change and help you be ready to help.

This issue of people not wanting to change has been the subject of intense study. In the early 1980s, Drs Prochaska & DiClemente at the University of Rhode Island examined the phenomenon of this apparent resistance to change as part of their work to help lower cancer rates. What they observed was that behavior change was not, as previously thought, a singular event but a process that occurred over time. In other words, they found that people did not just quit smoking all at once although it may appear as if they had. To arrive at the moment of quitting, they actually had to go through a series of thought processes or stages leading up to the moment where they no longer smoked. Like drops in a bucket, these thoughts and actions accumulated until the bucket was full. Once the bucket was filled, the very next drop made it over flow.

        To a casual observer, it looks as if the bucket began to overflow at the moment that last drop rolled over the edge of the bucket. In a very real sense though, it began to overflow from the moment the first drop hit the bottom of the empty bucket.  As scientists, Dr.’s Prochaska & DiClemente were no casual observers. Through extensive study, they identified 5 distinct stages of change. They consolidated their work into a method of understanding how human beings can change and how we professionals can help them to do it. This method, called the Transtheoretical Model of Change, is based on the concept that people will only be able to make the changes that they are truly ready to make. By understanding how each particular behavior scores on a readiness to change scale, you can begin to attack those behaviors that are ripe for change while cultivating others for later harvest.

How R*E*A*D*Y are they?

        Based on the Transtheoretical model, I have developed the R*E*A*D*Y acronym. This is a helpful way to determine how willing your loved one is to change. When my clients and I consider a behavior for change, I ask them to take an honest look at the behavior; the more honest the look, the more useful the test. In your case, this means that you need to be a conscious observer. Watch what your loved one is doing and what they say. When you understand how the behavior scores, you can determine how enthusiastically you approach them about making the change. This is important because when you focus only on behaviors that they can really change, you will not only be using your energy wisely but you will also build trust. Your loved one needs to know you are in this for them. By meeting them where they are ready, you are giving them an opportunity to really feel understood. By properly grading the behaviors, we can guarantee success and use that success always breeds more success.

Each letter of R*E*A*D*Y represents a specific stage of readiness and is described below.


R – REFUSE - This is actually not a stage of readiness at all, it’s a stage of unreadiness.  In this stage we refuse to believe we have a problem.  We absolutely fail to recognize that there is anything wrong.  It is the ultimate expression of blissful ignorance.  It is this stage where the internal excuse operating system is working overtime.  I’ll never forget the time my wife, concerned about my weight, served me a no fat, no salt soup.  I ate it and said “I would rather die than eat this stuff the rest of my life”.  The sad part was I meant it at the time; I was not ready to change. I did not even want to talk about it.  Maybe I was ready to change something but I was not ready to change that behavior. 

It is important to understand that your loved one may be at different stages of readiness for every single behavior that they need to change.  Many of the behaviors that need to be changed, may not even make their  list of bad habits!  They are in a hidden subconscious bank account of bad habits and their mind refuses to let them be seen. The best way to deal with changing behaviors is to be patient. Move on to other things you know need to be changed. They may not seem as important but, that doesn’t matter. If they are in this stage, pushing the issue is like setting of the detonator on a bomb! It is your job to look for other behaviors that might be in the E, A or D category.

E- EXPLORE:  This is where they begin to think about the behaviors they want to change.  It’s where they start to recognize that there’s a problem.  It is here that they begin to at least consider that behaviors are not doing them any good. In this stage they are just waking up to the fact that these behaviors are worth changing.  It is through this exploration that they can begin to make change possible. This exploration, however, takes place entirely in the mind. It is a time of contemplation.

The best thing for you to do at this stage is to have conversations about the change. Talk openly about what good it will bring. Talk about how you can help remove some barriers to make the change happen. Talk about how you support them. Don’t push them to action in this phase. It’s too early. Things don’t physically “happen” in this stage. To make things happen they need to acquire all the knowledge and tools necessary to begin work.

A- AQUIRE    During this stage they begin to acquire what they need to make their changes work.  The acquisitions that they make include knowledge, equipment, motivation and mind set. If they are reading a one of my “Lose Weight for Good!” blog posts or are listening to my audio program, they are acquiring knowledge.  They have passed through the exploration stage. They considered their problem and have decided to set the wheels of change in motion. Their acquisition of knowledge is going to form the basis of their future actions. In addition to acquiring knowledge, they may also buy a piece of exercise equipment, join a health club or take a cooking course. This is where they begin to get things started.  Sometimes it is just acquiring the basics of a habit. When I wanted to start walking every night, I started by just walking out onto my front porch. I opened the door and stood there like an idiot. After a while, I felt so stupid that I just started walking. On the days I did not want to walk, I still opened the door and stood there. It took almost no effort to open the door and it was hard to find an excuse not to do it. I wonder if my neighbors still think I’m crazy? I was working to acquire the habit of walking. Even on the nights I did not walk, I worked on building the habit. At this stage, building the habit ensures future action. Their commitment to this stage will determine their ability to follow through.  You can help by encouraging them. You can also simply acknowledge that you see what they are doing as a VERY positive step in the right direction. In this stage, you can gently nudge them to do the very thing they are exploring. Maybe you do it with them. Maybe you actually remove barriers that allow them to get started. When a father agrees to take the kids to the park so mom can go to the gym, it is a bit. Which leads us to the next stage . . . Doing!
D-Doing: Like in the scene from “Forrest Gump” where he just gets up and runs.  This is the point where we just start doing it.  This is the point of action; it is where the work gets done.  This is where behaviors begin to change. It is where “the rubber meets the road.”   Experts say it takes about 30 days to change a behavior.  If your loved one can stay in action phase for at least 30 days then they will probably successfully change that behavior.  Of course I always thought good behaviors took a little longer and it seems bad behaviors can develop in an instant. Once they are doing the behavior regularly it seems automatic, it becomes part of their new operating system. It becomes part of their definition of themselves. Their “YOU”, so to speak. Welcome to the YOU phase.

Y – YOU –This is the phase where they can’t imagine a world without this new behavior. It is so much a part of them, they can barley even remember life before this change. The behavior becomes almost effortless. It is automatic because it has become organic to their mind. It is now part of their operating system. When this behavior is part of them it is hard to deny and hard to defy.  If it is part of their definition of themselves, it is an easy behavior for you to maintain.  It belongs to them;  it is them. It is the last stage of the behavior change process-- sort of.

Watch out for the back slide.

        Change is part of being human. Human beings are constantly changing and evolving. It is this quality that assures we humans have the power to change our behavior. Although some behaviors are easier to change than others, all behaviors can change. The bad news is that any behavior that that can be changed can also change back. Even after they achieve the “you” phase for a given behavior, it is possible for them to slide back to an earlier stage on the ready scale. You could, for instance, notice that what seemed like a 1 week break in their regular exercise routine has lasted over a month. For a year they exercised faithfully and now they just don’t. At this point they are no longer in the YOU phase of this behavior. The really bad news is that they don’t even qualify for the Do-it phase anymore. The best thing to do here is to be open and have a conversation. Begin with an acknowledgement that you are really proud of them for the changes they have made. Then note that you were really impressed that they were exercising. Then observe that they haven’t been doing it much lately. No judgment, just observation. Then progress the conversation to why this is no longer part of their life. Maybe you will even see a way you can help. Be careful not to “solve” the problem for them. Do more asking of questions then telling. Try to help them discover their own solutions.