For Better Together or For Worse Together . . .

By Karen Matz, LMSW

For 12 years I was married to a man who gained 100 pounds since the time we started dating.  He not only was considered morbidly obese but was also Type II diabetic, insulin dependent, had high blood pressure and a family history of heart disease.

I worried everyday about his health.  When he didn't “feel well” I silently panicked “was this a heart attack?” He already had two life threatening, weight related health scares before age 40, so this “burden” I carried was real!   The fluctuating of his blood sugar levels caused irritability and moodiness so I never knew what to expect when he walked through the front door. 

I feel like I tried everything to get him to lose weight, exercise or just eat healthier.  My efforts ranged from fighting with him, ignoring the situation, threatening him, reminding him how his unhealthy habit were killing him and how his death would impact me and the children.  I even took a positive approach and started to role model a healthier habits hoping he would join in.  I lost nearly 30 pounds and due to what appeared to be pure stubbornness he gained even more weight.  Finally, I realized that his health habits didn't need to smother or kill me. Our lifestyle as a couple was flat and bland. We spent our together time eating, sleeping and watching TV. I realized that his life, our life, didn't need to stop me from doing the things I enjoyed doing. I realized that "Our Life" didn't need to define who I was any longer.  Not surprisingly  his lifestyle issues lead to the destruction to our marriage. Notice, I said "lifestyle" issues, not weight. What looked like a weight problem was actually a life compatibility problem. 

Why am I telling you all this?  Well for the first time I am beginning to understand a little bit of his perspective.  When I was married to this man all I wanted was someone who ate healthy, exercised, loved the outdoors, was adventurous and not a couch potato who only watched the Food Network 24/7.  As the old saying goes, “be careful of what you wish for” because I got all of that and more in Russ.  He is everything I dreamed of! In the two years we are together I have done more adventurous things then I thought possible.

 

So how is it that I understand my ex’s frustration of my constant concern for his health?  Because now the shoe is on the other foot.  Not that Russ nags me or pushes me on any one direction.  What he does do is help me when I express that I want to be healthier or get in better shape.  He is right there to support me, even in those moment when I don’t want the support.  When two, three or four days go by and I haven’t gotten on my bike, he might say something like “Are you going riding today?”  If I give him an excuse as to why I won’t be riding he will lovingly challenge me.  Nine times out of ten I would begrudgingly get on the bike and by the end of the ride I was glad that I did it.  As a matter of fact, I cannot think of a time that I have ever regretted getting on my bike.  The big difference between me and my ex is I am willing to get my butt on the bike where he would remain steadfast in stubbornness just to prove to me that he is in control.  I feel that I am willing to be open-minded to change.  I choose not to be confrontational but open to hear what Russ has to offer and give it a try.

This past week Russ and I were is Los Angeles, California.  We decided that we would take a long hike from the Griffith Observatory to the back of the famous Hollywood sign.  This, what I thought would be a 5 mile hike, was going to be our exercise for that day.  It turned out to be an 8 ½ mile mountain hike.  Russ doesn't take the easy road; he decides to take the road less traveled.  At first I complained and whined (thinking it might stop him) but when he literally ran ahead. I decided in a split moment that:

a) I didn't want to get separated from him.

b) I didn't want MY limiting beliefs to stop me from experiencing something with Russ.

c) How was I going to grow if I remained in my comfort zone? and 

d) How was I going to inspire other people if I took the easy route? 

In a split second decision, I followed Russ up the trail and headed for an amazing adventure!  Don’t get me wrong, I cursed him under my breath and there were moments when I wanted to cry, stop and throw a temper tantrum right there on the trail but I pushed through it.  I pushed through the body pains, the heat, and the limiting belief that “I can’t do this” knowing that Russ was there to support me and celebrate with me at the end of the 5 hour hike!!  If I allowed my limiting beliefs to stop me I would have missed some beautiful views from the top of the mountains. And I would have missed the moment when we stopped for a rest and Russ held me close as we sat in awe of nature’s beauty.  I realized at the end of this hike that Russ’ pushing and encouragement wasn't in service to him but in service to me.  He helped me to see that I am capable of doing more then I allow myself to believe.   When I allow myself to be open minded and not in control, I can accomplish so much more!

2 miles into the hike. The Little White Speck On The Distant Mountain is the Hollywood Sign. That was our destination! PS, we did not take the clear path. We hiked up and OVER the peaks!  

My point is that when you are trying to motivate someone you love to be healthier put his or her shoe on your foot and see how it feels.  Walk the walk with them, in-service to them!  Lovingly guide them outside their comfort zone with their permission.  And if you are the person who need to healthier, allow your partner the freedom to gently challenge you to step outside your comfort zone!  This is when the magic happens!!  Let life get bigger as you experience more TOGETHER as team!