Take That You Vegan Freak!

By Karen Matz, LMSW

Recently, I was having a conversation with a dear friend, when she said something that hit me hard.  She said “When someone is pushing me to eat healthier, I find myself “eating at them”.  She continued, “I will purposely go out and eat something I know I shouldn’t just to prove I can and they can’t stop me.”  

WHOA!  I realized at that very moment that is what I do “to” Russ.  Sometimes, when he is not around, I eat AT him!  I hear his words all the time echoing in my head as a go to the deli for lunch, “Your body will thank you.”  “You are a role model to all those who watch you.”  blah, blah, blah . . . phht. Sometimes the echoes are enough to help me make healthier choices, veggie burger over a beef burger; side salad instead of fries; apple instead of a cookie.  

But then there are those times that I don’t want to be role model, I don’t want the pressure to feel “perfect”.  I want that burger that drips down my arm, the fries that are greasy with a firm crisp, so I get it and eat it all the while thinking “you can’t tell me what to eat,” “I can eat whatever I want,” “I never asked to be the world’s role model”.  I think of all the excuses as to why I can have it, why I should have and how I deserve it!  It's as if I toast my decadence with "Take that you vegan freak, that oughta teach ya!" Then, I bite down hard and chew in defiance! Oh, if he only knew. 

After I am done convincing myself of all the reasons why it is ok and I am done “eating at Russ”, I sit back and then have to ask myself “was it worth it?” The answer is always “No”.  Not only because it usually makes me feel a little sick but also because I know deep within me that I am the one to pay the consequences in the long-term.  I am going to have to bike longer or not get to take that day off I was planning or face the consequences on the scale or in my jeans as they get tighter. 

After my friend used that term “eat at them” I decided to take a hard look at myself, my conscious mind and come face to face with it.  When people look at me, they may not think I have food issues but, I do. I worry, and sometimes obsess, about what I should and should not eat, how many calories, how much fat, on and on. Of course, Russ is always trying to get me to focus on the healthy benefits of good, wholesome food. What does he know about being me? When I heard that term, “I eat at them”; it put into words the way I feel when I want to use food as a way of showing that I, not anyone else, is in control of my life. 

When I explained all this to Russ, I thought he would be mad at me or disappointed but he was loving and understanding.  We talked about some reasons why I do this rather odd behavior. He said he was not aware that he was my personal food police and asked if he could change what he said or did to take some of the pressure off. I know it’s not him. I already know I don’t need to feel guilty for eating a burger, sometimes it's ok.  

For me, I look up to Russ for the life changes he made.  I want to be more like him.  I want to be more active, be healthier and be an inspiration.  I encourage you to find that one person in your life who inspires you to be more healthy and more active.  You don’t need to feel guilty for the food choices you make but know the consequences. Be honest with yourself if you find yourself “eating at someone” and ask yourself why?  Then talk with that person, they just may not know how they are affecting you.  Who knows, they may even have the words of encouragement that you need!