How losing weight has helped me to discover LOVE!

By Audrey Matz-Pasierb

So, the question that followed my last blog post was: "How has all of this improved my relationship with Bill or my mental health?"  I had to think long and hard about that.  You see, even at my heaviest, Bill, my husband, loved me unconditionally. What I have come to realize is that it was ME that didn’t love ME.  He never failed to tell me how beautiful I was, or remind me how intelligent I was, or show me that I mattered to him, to my kids, to my family and friends, or to my students.  He encouraged me by doing and showing me what was important to him.

As I passed the half-century mark not too long ago, reality set in as I watched my own children, who are now grown, begin to depart on paths of their own.  As they begin their careers, enter into new relationships, and live life as young adults I realized that when Bill said he "wanted to grow old” with me,  growing old was approaching faster than I had realized.  I knew that I was going to need his help in order to succeed in my lifestyle change.  I was going to need to rely on him to celebrate wins with me and to encourage me through the stumbles.  

ANYthing I want to do that is an improvement to my health is 1000% supported by Bill!  I love when he is with me on my walks, bicycle rides, trips to the gym, or 5Ks.  I love that he willingly goes to the grocery store with me and helps to plan healthy meals.   I love how he supports my healthy lifestyle…no…how he ENCOURAGES my healthy lifestyle!!  

But to answer the original question, Has our relationship changed?  I actually had to ask Bill that question.  While we both agree that we have a great relationship, he said that what he likes most now is that we are spending more time together.  And really, what relationship couldn’t stand a little more together-time??

Now, about the mental health.  Depression sucks!  It really does.  Depression is like a little voice constantly reminding you that you are worthless, even though you're not worthless.  It tries to convince you you're ugly, fat, no one cares…and the more you listen to those voices, the deeper you fall in.  Clothes don’t fit, you lack energy, you become bored because you don’t want to do anything, and because you’re bored you eat…crap.  And because you eat crap, you have less energy to do anything, then your clothes don’t fit…Ok, so it’s a vicious cycle.  

 So, I tried dieting before (Weight Watchers, SlimFast, Diet Center, etc) but they never worked for me.  That’s what I always said…DIETING never worked for me!  I always been told and expected that DIEting would do something for me.  Well, guess what?  I had it all wrong!  It’s not supposed to do something for me, I had to do something for it to work! They never told me that!!!  First of all, I don’t ever say I’m on a diet.  Why?  Those first three letters…D. I. E.  And maybe that’s why it didn’t work for me.  I wasn’t ready to die!  So what, then, if not diet?  Well, in April of 2012, I realized that I needed to do the opposite of DIEt and turn to a LIFEstyle that was suitable for living!  

I’m a Christian.  And I believe that my body ultimately belongs to God.  And I realized that I was not honoring Him by the way I was treating it.  I wanted a LIFE that was going to honor Him and that meant, first and foremost, I had to change my LIFEstyle.  One of the very first things I did was promise myself that I’d eat breakfast every day (yes, I was a devout breakfast-skipper).  I went so far as to set the alarm on my phone to go off so I would remind myself to eat breakfast.  After that came healthy snacking, again utilizing the alarm on my phone to remind me.  Then came the walks, short at first, but at least three times per week.  

Eventually, things got easier.  I was eating breakfasts, making healthy, mindful snacks, preparing nutrient rich meals, walking, bike riding, and enjoying being outdoors!  Eventually, I noticed that the sun seemed to shine brighter!  I felt a bounce in my step, I was holding my tummy in as I walked – faster and further.  I smiled more and complained less.  People started asking if there was “less of me”…(haha, yes, a few people did in that particular way).  I even got to start buying clothes in a smaller size!!!

Do I stumble?  Heck yeah.  Do I beat myself up?  More than I should.  It’s human nature, but I am always mindful of where I never want to be again.  And I love to remind myself that I have a husband, a health partner, who loves less of me while we spend more healthy-time together.